That is my perfect definition of grandpa when asked about his physiques. I even wish I had his nose (no offense grandma). And just like any half-kastila I’ve known who have lived during the early times; he was quite snobbish. He would only laugh at inumans, or during chats with his good old friends, or if my cousin Baby Kate would fool around with him. That’s why despite his attempts to adopt the worldview of snobbery I know he was compassionate about his grandchildren, because Kate was special, and he would always laugh instead of getting annoyed when she would make fun of him and call him names.

According to my mom and her siblings, during their childhood grandpa was really strict. He was the exact epitome of a tyrant father whose words are the rules and grounds of a home. My other lolos and lolas (grandpa’s siblings) would describe him as a good head of the family since my great grandfather died early and that he was the mano (eldest brother). When his younger sisters were going to college he would be with them in the town’s bus stop in the wee hours of the morning, while waiting for the earliest ride. He would lambast the conductor if he didn’t make sure lola delia, auntie vergith, auntie bilie and mama ida would the get seats at the prente (front) because according to they were his sisters and they deserve to get the most comfortable seats of the ride.

Change can be good.

We all know that. Especially if it is towards having a better place in this very competitive platform we call Earth. And in the event that this makes the people involved better persons and more aware of the responsibilities they have to take into consideration, then this particular change definitely has to transpire. It's like the entire universe should and would conspire to make this happen. And this of course is in (and should be on) everyone's favor.

True enough, change is inevitable. But you see, the nostalgia that good old habits bring is the thing that makes it an unhappy affair to face. And believe me if I say that I do apologize for being very emotional lately on my posts, but I guess it just can't be helped.

Because I miss it...these old habits. So much that again it makes me want to cry.

i am very very broke.

yes ladies and gentlemen. i am. and i know chary would use to tell me that the last thing i should probably worry about is money because it's a problem everybody has and there's a lot more other things to be concerned about in the world than your financial issues. but if you have a pending payment of P_,000 for some shit you didn't really want to get your self into, then that is a very big problem. especially if you have tried searching the surface of the earth, and even beyond to the core, for all monetary sources you can find but all you can raise is an effin amount of P2,400 from old debts of relatives and friends. this is also the part when it gets really crappy that you just want someone to beat the hell out of you so you could escape this hell of a situation. and asking your folks for help on this would of course be the last resort, for the mere fact that you are 21, working (or used to be working), and you should be old enough to resolve your problems on your own.

if only i was 30 million richer. dannngit! now i am really thinking of selling my other kidney. anyone interested?

***

when i got back home from my vacation i noticed these skin allergies that suddenly appeared on my feet and hands. small blisters filled with water that gets very itchy and irritating every now and then. i consulted my mom and she said i probably had too much of salt water from the beach or dirt or whatever. i never had any food allergic reactions aside from those that i get from eating crabs, so since i haven't had a serving of these things recently, then food reaction was out of the picture. i waited for it to somehow improve for the next two days, but since i realized it wasn't and was even getting worse i finally decided to visit a dermatologist. upon consultation i told her what my main concern was and how the allergies appeared, its consistency etc. after a few minutes of explanation she revealed her diagnosis that gave me quite a shock because i never expected it to be that and the things that concerns this particular disease.

why?

well first because she said that it was hydrotic eczema (what in the world? i know right!), and second that its main etiology was plainly stress.

yes people of the world, not dirt, not any weird food causations or any overdose of salt water experience whatsoever, but simply stress. well true enough, from the time of my sister's wedding, to the arrival of my relatives from the states, to my work and resignation issues, to our very hectic schedule when we had the vacation, to the nonstop errands and get-togethers and night-outs for the purpose of entertaining the relatives who came to visit, to my being unemployed now hence the lack of funds, and my long list of things to do/pay/accomplish...I HAVE BEEN VERY STRESSED OUT. i haven't even gotten a decent sleep in weeks!

my doctor emphasized that i should not scratch the blisters or else it will get worse. she prescribed me a set of solutions and ointments and antihistamines (which btw consumed the last left of my very minimal savings) and that i shouldn't indulge myself into more stress or else the medicines won't help at all.

but in a situation like what i have now, tell me doctor, how in the world will i get rid of these blisters? especially that as you think of all the concerns you have to deal with (simply because it just cannot be helped to think about them), it gets very very itchy as well. answer me doctor. you're suppose to be more knowing than anyone.

or perhaps i should just wait until i finally evolve onto a one big blister that emanated from what used to be a human body?

me = blister = pathetic.

i should really get rid of that kidney now.

***

and just when you think that you have enough problems already, and another stressor is the last thing you need, here comes another that evolves from having missed opportunities.

opportunities that may seem uncertain or just a simple coincidence but still may have turned out into something good and that would perhaps give you a happy feeling despite all of these shits. but no, because of probably some semi-aware sanity i had when it all transpired, i had let this could-be pass just like that. and it sucks big time.

maybe it wasn't just meant?
probably.

maybe the reason it did not exist is because it may have made things more complicated?
probably.

but still, what if?

i guess i just have to live with the fact that some occurrences will never happen again, for its perfection was molded only at the time it was laid unto you, and you just simply ignored it. a missed opportunity will always be a missed opportunity. no more no less. so move forward.

i have to move forward.

***

now this is the part where i am gonna cry.

"Technically, we don't exist. We answer to no one. And when all else fails, we don't."
- General Hawk

If you're finding a good way to start the week or looking for a good movie to watch this weekend then I definitely recommend GI JOE: Rise of the Cobra. Men it's worth every peso you pay. I even recommend that if you have more funds than usual, then you should absolutely watch this on IMAX. Action Packed is the exact term to describe it. And if you always have been a fan of the Joes ever since, then go buy your tickets the movie house near you because this is exactly for you! I may not have always been a fan of the GI Joe series, probably because I was too young then to appreciate it, but this one I surely appreciated and liked. Heck I can even say this was way better than the recent Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (no offense to Autobots Fans). Oh I can't wait for the part two (oops spoiler). I just hope it won't follow the usual trend wherein the 2nd movie onwards couldn't keep up with the expectations of the fans from the first movie.

And which by the way, after that nerve wracking movie experience, I am actually in the middle of contemplating of whether I should buy a GI Joe action Figure. Seriously.

Anyway, without much more further ado, let me send you off and wish you an enjoyable movie treat. JOES, MOVE OUT!

frustrations. it all goes down to expectations.

there really are times when you simply just want the world to stop right at some certain moments, to avoid complexities or anything that has to do with worrying. come to think of it i should really not be concerned about anything because i've had enough of them in my entire years of schooling, and i am simply whiling the time away since i am nothing but a bum. i guess all these idle times are the mere reason why i get to think a lot and realize how f*cked messed up a lot of things are. i think i should really go back into being busy with something else before i completely lose my grip of the slightest sanity left in me. seriously.

i hate being disappointed. well who doesn't, ne? but the kind of disappointment that fails me big time is the one that comes with promises and giving of commitments and words of people. bursting my bubble is one of my least favorite things in the world. a friend told me that sometimes the problem with people being too affected and frustrated is the presence of too much expectations. well okay, i might accept the blame on that part, but my expectations do not come out of the blue. it has definite basis, and promises are common causes. and i think it is quite normal for people to become upset if you are told to look forward to certain things, and end up not having them. and curse the person who connoted the cliché that promises are made to be broken. really i could kill him! given the fact that he is not yet dead as of the moment, which i doubt...okay i am not making sense

sometimes too, you know, you cannot help but make things/people/events yield to what ever you think is acceptable. you try your best to be a change agent. most of the time you do this to satisfy your ego, your inner self because it makes you breathe comfortably knowing that these things/people/event are according to what you think is tolerable, up to your standards and is satisfactory not to the common norms but simply for whatever you believe in. but there are also slightest instances when you do these things, changing these T/P/E because you believe that they are capable to be better, or to whatever you believe is better. although it sounds a bit self-centered, because you end up becoming somewhat manipulative and in no time frustrated (again) if things do not go according to what you are anticipating. but this is normal, i think, when there has been an agreement for the planned change. if there is mutuality : the other side wanting to change someone/something and that someone/something agreeing to be modified one way or another.

when things don't come in order, like when the change agent gets the feeling of being tired from playing the role that he has, or if the other party refuses to do his part or exerts effort but is just not enough, or if when they both have excellent efforts but it just seems that the entirety of the world simply conspires to prevent them from succeeding, this is where it gets problematic.

these are just thoughts. and i just feel like writing them, probably yet another emo maturation attempt. but you know what, to hell if it is. to be careless for these things, THAT i've learned (or rather realized and accepted, because i've learned the art of it ages ago, i just refuse to adhere to it) from talking to this friend last night. because after all, i am at this point where i simply want the world to stop right at some certain moment, and avoid complexities or anything that has to do about worrying. oh and i think i will have a crappy ending (as quite obvious) for this entry because if i am admitting that i do have unresolved self-issues regarding this, what more resolutions could i give in my writing?

The problem with companionship is that you get very much accustomed to it that it becomes a fixed part of your life at a certain point. I for one am a very passionate person when it comes to the people I spend most of my time with, especially when your days have become a habit with them every single waking day. After some time, we grow a very casual relationship called friendship, and this is where the deeper attachment starts. Therefore, this is also where the problem begins, particularly when the need arises to somehow detach yourself from them because you have to take a different path from that point onwards.

The money, it will come. But the people that have started to attract my fondness and trust, they will be the ones who would make my anticipated absence more and more excruciating. And it breaks my heart.

I am back.

OH YES I AM. Because for the record, our good ol' PC wasn't busted at all. My older sister (who's a lot more "tech-y" than me) has finally figured out what was wrong. Was just some plugging and connection issues after all. Anyway, our DSL was also restored this morning, thank you kuya bayantel! So yeah, i am a happy camper. ♥

I thought I would be lucky the whole day actually. Made a few good sales on my shift this morning, had sunshine-y moments, made new friends, ate good food for lunch and some other happy thoughts that filled in. Great indeed.

Oh but you really can't have the best of all worlds. And this is where the glitch comes. At the end of our shift, Ate Vianny and I decided to drop by our other sister Ate Gera's office in Makati to get our paycheck from their advertising company for our 7 days work as a mall coordinator for Globe Telecoms. After 3 months of waiting, it was finally gonna be given to us...COLD CASH, TAX FREE! We we're all sleepy and tired and hungry coming from our graveyard shift but opted to still go for it despite those facts (not to mention the traffic and the distance from our office) since we thought we'd be gaining something from all this after all. And like what they would always say, no pain no gain and there would always be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. OR SO WE THOUGHT?

Why? Because we have not traveled all those miles, faced that mind-boggling traffic in EDSA, run low on gas (that was supposedly good for 3 days if the van was just used from home to work and vice versa), defied the tempting invites of sleeping in our well-fixed bed and passed on the sumptuous lunch waiting for us at home only to discover an incomplete Talent Fee (just half of it) and a misspelled name (no actually a wrong second name in my case) printed on our paychecks. BRILLIANT right? I was expecting to be P__,500 richer when I went home this afternoon. But no, bursted bubbles once more because obviously, we couldn't claim the cash due to the wrong paycheck information. It was a good thing Ate Gera was there, and gave us part of her TF to make up for it (1k for us each), but I was still very disappointed. Imagine, 3 months of idle time and waiting for that uber uber delayed payment...3 months of continuously reminding the person in charge of this Fee we've worked so hard for and she did not even had the thought of putting the right names on the paycheck. I mean, hello, she did not even had the inkling to ask my sister who was her officemate to confirm! That's just sooooooo depressing. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful still for this work opportunities that the person made possible for us, but this is just too much. I am tired, hungry, stressed out with work and life and have so many bills and debts waiting to get settled (plus 2 pairs of old pants waiting to be replaced) and the last thing I have to worry about is a misspelled name on my paycheck. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

aghsjadfffffttpppsdsdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!

But oh well, God is still good because he made a way for the human populace to discover how to make lechon. And I have to commend the Lydia's Lechon restaurant Fairview branch for the very delightful late-lunch they have served us. Somehow we were able to redeem our selves and our happy thoughts after pigging-out on the their specialty, plus the bopis, barbecue and bulalo soup. In all fairness ha.

Okay. That's all i have to say today. I just needed to rant, as usual. Need to get some sleep. Ciao.

PS: For the backstabbing bitch I was talking about on my facebook status/friendster shoutouts...YOU HAVE YET TO FEEL MY WRATH! Prepare because I am not in the mood to spare! (wow, rhyme. lol)

these matters were the things i had to deal with sunday night after my sideline job with Logika advertising as a mall coordinator for the Flyering and Promodizing event of globe telecoms. AND BOY THE THINGS I HAD TO CARRY WERE EFFIN HEAVY! i almost felt the need of amputating mg aching arms after. not to mention the long walks and the boredom of waiting until the mall closes. that's why I thank God for friends who are ready to help you carry these baggages, cross the sides of the malls with you, climb overpasses, or even punch abusive taxi drivers who take advantage of the scarcity of cabs after the mall hours! :DDDD

Simula pa lamang nang pumutok ang balita tungkol sa nangyari sa asawa ni Ted Failon, naging tutok na ako sa pagsubaybay sa mga pangyayari. Naturalmente, isang kilalang personalidad. At aaminin ko, dahil sa ako ay isang full-pledge kapamilya ever since birth, siya ang mismong news anchor na pinapanood namin gabi-gabi tuwing primetime news. Sino ba naman ang hindi mapapalingon sa kung ano man ang kanilang ginagawa kapag umeere na sa telebisyon o radyo ang mga balita patungkol dito? Maaring noong una ito lamang ang dahilan ng aking interes, mababaw diba? Pero habang tumatagal mas lumalalim ang basehan ng aking pagkahumaling, at malamang ng maraming pilipinong may mga matang mapagmasid at diwang naghahanap ng katarungan sa matagal nang balikong lipunan nating ito.

Ang aking tinutukoy ay ang kitang-kitang karahasan ng ating mga kapulisan sa gitna ng lahat ng ito. Harapang harassment sa mga tao na maari namang wala talagang kinalaman. At kahit na sabihin nating may sala, wala ba silang karapatan para sa isang patas na paglilitis at patrato? Kahit ang mga kalabang network ng abs-cbn, partikular na ang mga mamamahayag at commentarista nila sa kakumpetensyang mga programa tahasang nagsasabi na sobra at OA ang ginagawa nila. Ang sapilitang pasamahin, kuwelyuhan at pagtulung-tulungan ang mga taong ni walang hinahawakang armas o kaonting bakas lamang ng paggiging marahas, sa palagay mo, tama? Ang kasuhan sila kaagad -agad, damputin na parang mga pugante at kriminal na wala man lamang warrant of arrest at hindi man lamang binabasahan ng kanilang mga karapatan...doon pa lamang makikita na ang kamalian. OO, maaring 6 units of Political Science lang ang napagdaanan ko noong kolehiyo at maaring kulang ang nalalaman ko tungkol sa batas, ngunit kahit Grade 2 student siguro mapagtatanto na hindi na tama ang kanilang pagtrato.At ang kanilang mga paraan, my goodness. Nakakaiyak sa inis. Mismong si Dr. Raquel Fortun, isang professor ng UP college of Pathology ang nagsabing hindi na isang magandang idea ang paggamit ng Paraffin test sa imbestigasyon dahil super outdated na at marami nang mga discrepancies. Wala. Bulok talaga. Super bulok.

Pasensya na ha, Supposedly papalabasin ko sanang isang editorial article tong sinusulat kong ito, Pero what's the use of being formal, kayo kayo lang naman ang bumabasa nito. At hindi ko na magawang gawin pa itong pang Press-con type of article sa inis ko sa mga pangyayari. Patuloy ang pagdaloy ng mga ideya. Hindi ako naiinis dahil ang front man ng primetime news na pinapanood ko ang sangkot (well partly) pero dahil sa kabulukan ng ways and means ng mga tao na dapat sana ay nagproprotekta sa interes ng nakararaming Pilipino. AND YES QCPD I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU. Plus the fact na obvious naman na isa lamang ito sa mga marami nilang panggigipit sa mga taong may lakas ng loob na salungatin at punahin ang kanilang mga gawa. Kung aalalahanin, matatandaang isa si Ted sa mga mamamahayag na bumatikos sa brutal ding shoot-out sa EDSA-NIA road at sa Paranaque incident na may mga inosenteng buhay na nadamay. (na kakilala ko rin halos ang mga biktima. click HERE! to recall)

So for that, I am making a shout-out. Because I am alarmed and concerned and GALIT! Nakakatakot na eh. Kung si Ted nga na kilala, maraming koneksyon at protektado ng media naabuso ang karapatan ng ganito, papaano pa ang mga ordinaryong mamamayan na kagaya natin? Pano pag ang sarili nating mga pamilya na ang nasangkot? Mas grabe pa ba ang kabrutalan na dadanasin natin? Wala na ba tayong aasahang hustisya? Patuloy ba tayong magdadahop at mamamalimos sa patas na laban? Maging bukas sana ang ating mga mata at magkaroon ng boses sa mga kaganapang gaya nito hindi lang dahil sa kilala ang sagkot kundi dahil lahat tayo ay Pilipino! Mayaman man o mahirap at kilala man sa lipunan o ordinaryong mamamayan lang ay may karapatang dapat maprotektahan.

Mag isip. Gumising. Manindigan Pilipino.

the problem with growing up is that when you think your life sucks you cannot complain because you are supposed to know what to do about it because you have to have a sense of maturity after all these years. and when you are a grown-up, you can't help but think about jobs, salaries, helping out the household, voting and other shits because you are supposed to, too! and since i am only a hair strand away from losing sanity (or i think i am at least) while i consider these things i cannot help but talk about it. and whine too.

i am actually in the verge of quitting my "semi-job" (well actually, if you call volunteer work with no pay as a job) and i am almost almost convinced that it is the right thing to do. but i still seem half-hearted about it. look at the odds people...

(i haven't blogged for quite a while so please spare my rantings as long as my boggled mind can. just this time please!)

1. the lack of financial compensation
sure the satisfaction and happiness you get from the gratitude patients tell you after caring for them or just seeing them well after confinement is beyond explanation, but i cannot stay a martyr that long especially when my greed for worldly things eats my conscience and good-samaritan subself whole. haha. but i mean seriously guys, at these times especially when gas price shoots up faster than any other thing in the planet, everyone needs a good paying job. plus my wants and needs (ehem CANON rebel XSi slash Nikon D60 ehem) list are way too long that it frustrates me to think that the allowance my dad gives me a day is the only incoming money i depend on. yeah it's quite enough to sustain my every day needs and allow me to have savings for weekend getaways but still, IT IS NOT ENOUGH! dear lord. BUUUT!, if i do get a job, that would mean i have to get one not so quite related to my degree and title because knowing the situation of Filipino Registered Nurses here in our country, finding a hospital job as a staff nurse is just as impossible as finding a chest filled with gold in your backyard. and saying i'd finally fall for it, this might delay the progress i make in my non-earning nursing career. ARGH what to do with this life people tell me!

3. the presence of few not-so friendly judgmental bitches people around you
yup. i wonder why there really are people of this kind existing? they make work unnecessarily an unhappy place to be at. sure thing i can handle the pressure of workload, but this, THIS i cannot just handle. especially when they quite have the control of almost everything, if you know what i mean. who would find it a healthy environment to work at when there are just some people who judge you entirely for a few mistakes (not including mistakes on patient care because i believe i am very efficient about my craft. AND YES, i am proud about it because i know i do have the right to be about it) and overlooking your performances on your actual job. if they could only see who really cares for patients, who really is there the minute someone calls at the station, who compassionately empathizes with them the entire 8 hour shift, then they probably would have a change of heart against those who simply slacks and while away the time playing cards somewhere within the hidden confines of the station. and nope, i am not bragging about merely my self here, i am talking in behalf of my co-volunteers who are also misjudged by these issues. it's a saddening and disheartening fact that they could say bad things about a single mistake you make and all the other efforts you have exerted are put away and forgotten.

3. the freakin hot intolerable weather
weird but yes, THE WEATHER! who would want to go to work (with no pay) at this hot hot summer day? i actually skipped work today on this grounds. HAHA. well this reason is quite connected to the first bullet, since i could have managed to put up with the gallons of sweat escaping every pore in my body while i am at work or while i travel to and from work IF and only IF i had something to look forward to during PAY DAY. that is if i even have a pay day. see? valid reason right?

the "work" i have as of the moment actually do have a lot of incentives too yes. like the hands-on experience i gain each day which i know makes me a better nurse and a better person too, the supplementation for my hunger for learning regarding this vocation, the gratification of helping people and them recognizing it in return and the friends you gain as you go along. but i don't know, it's like my heart is no longer fully at it (i think), and i am no longer very happy with it. come to think of it, should i wait that my efficiency gets affected by these matters, or should i just leave now while i am still at my best?

oh but saying i do finally quit, there goes again my problem with money during the times that will come in the future when i will be needing it. because for sure my dad won't put up with giving me financial assistance either than when it is necessary, meaning no unnecessary summer getaways too! huhu. so i am not only bidding goodbye with the job but the "privileges" of being in it too, HAHA! XD

by far i think i've quite successfully passed through my very first day as volunteer nurse in dr. jose m. rodriguez memorial hospital. with 30 patients as ward census, of which 14 are hansens (lepper pts) and majority of the entire population having severe conditions...yea i think i did pretty well.

but the unlucky part there is that, i haven't been used to feeling this tired for so long. the fatigue surely got into me after almost 10 months of bumming around. the waking up part (4 am) was already a pain in the ass. and the moment my shift started the only break periods i had the luxury of getting was two doses of an almost 5 minute pause at the station a quick lunch break. well at least i won't be shocked the following days, because i can never be more certain that the "party" is just starting. there's more to come. literally and figuratively.

but don't get me wrong because i am DEFINITELY not complaining. this is what i wanted. at least the bumming days are over. and i get to practice what i love and what i think i was born to do. in fact i'm pretty glad that the high is once more kicking in, and i am definitely luuurvven it. cheers to that. ♥