That is my perfect definition of grandpa when asked about his physiques. I even wish I had his nose (no offense grandma). And just like any half-kastila I’ve known who have lived during the early times; he was quite snobbish. He would only laugh at inumans, or during chats with his good old friends, or if my cousin Baby Kate would fool around with him. That’s why despite his attempts to adopt the worldview of snobbery I know he was passionate about his grandchildren, because Kate was special, and he would always laugh instead of getting annoyed when she would make fun of him and call him names.

According to my mom and her siblings, during their childhood grandpa was really strict. He was the exact epitome of a tyrant father whose words are the rules and grounds of a home. My other lolos and lolas (grandpa’s siblings) would describe him as a good head of the family since my great grandfather died early and that he was the mano (eldest brother). When his younger sisters were going to college he would be with them in the town’s bus stop in the wee hours of the morning, while waiting for the earliest ride. He would lambast the conductor if he didn’t make sure lola delia, auntie vergith, auntie bilie and mama ida would the get seats at the prente (front) because according to they were his sisters and they deserve to get the most comfortable seats of the ride.

Change can be good.

We all know that. Especially if it is towards having a better place in this very competitive platform we call Earth. And in the event that this makes the people involved better persons and more aware of the responsibilities they have to take into consideration, then this particular change definitely has to transpire. It's like the entire universe should and would conspire to make this happen. And this of course is in (and should be on) everyone's favor.

True enough, change is inevitable. But you see, the nostalgia that good old habits bring is the thing that makes it an unhappy affair to face. And believe me if I say that I do apologize for being very emotional lately on my posts, but I guess it just can't be helped.

Because I miss it...these old habits. So much that again it makes me want to cry.

i am very very broke.

yes ladies and gentlemen. i am. and i know chary would use to tell me that the last thing i should probably worry about is money because it's a problem everybody has and there are a lot more important things to be concerned about in the world than your financial issues. but if you have a pending payment of P_,000 for some shit you didn't really want to get your self into, then that is a very big problem. especially if you have tried searching the surface of the earth, and even beyond to the core, for all monetary sources you can find but all you can raise is an effin amount of P2,400 from old debts of relatives and friends. this is also the part when it gets really crappy that you just want someone to beat the hell out of you so you could escape this hell of a situation. and asking your folks for help on this would of course be the last resort, for the mere fact that you are 21, working (or used to be working), and you should be old enough to resolve your problems on your own.

if only i was 30 million richer. dannngit! now i am really thinking of selling my other kidney. anyone interested?

***

when i got back home from my vacation i noticed these skin allergies that suddenly appeared on my feet and hands. small blisters filled with water that gets very itchy and irritating every now and then. i consulted my mom and she said i probably had too much of salt water from the beach or dirt or whatever. i never had any food allergic reactions aside from those that i get from eating crabs, so since i haven't had a serving of these things recently, then food reaction was out of the picture. i waited for it to somehow improve for the next two days, but since i realized it wasn't and was even getting worse i finally decided to visit a dermatologist. upon consultation i told her what my main concern was and how the allergies appeared, its consistency etc. after a few minutes of explanation she revealed her diagnosis that gave me quite a shock because i never expected it to be that and the things that concerns this particular disease.

why?

well first because she said that it was hydrotic eczema (what in the world? i know right!), and second that its main etiology was plainly stress.

yes people of the world, not dirt, not any weird food causations or any overdose of salt water experience whatsoever, but simply stress. well true enough, from the time of my sister's wedding, to the arrival of my relatives from the states, to my work and resignation issues, to our very hectic schedule when we had the vacation, to the nonstop errands and get-togethers and night-outs for the purpose of entertaining the relatives who came to visit, to my being unemployed now hence the lack of funds, and my long list of things to do/pay/accomplish...I HAVE BEEN VERY STRESSED OUT. i haven't even gotten a decent sleep in weeks!

my doctor emphasized that i should not scratch the blisters or else it will get worse. she prescribed me a set of solutions and ointments and antihistamines (which btw consumed the last left of my very minimal savings) and that i shouldn't indulge myself into more stress or else the medicines won't help at all.

but in a situation like what i have now, tell me doctor, how in the world will i get rid of these blisters? especially that as you think of all the concerns you have to deal with (simply because it just cannot be helped to think about them), it gets very very itchy as well. answer me doctor. you're suppose to be more knowing than anyone.

or perhaps i should just wait until i finally evolve onto a one big blister that emanated from what used to be a human body?

me = blister = pathetic.

i should really get rid of that kidney now.

***

and just when you think that you have enough problems already, and another stressor is the last thing you need, here comes another that evolves from having missed opportunities.

opportunities that may seem uncertain or just a simple coincidence but still may have turned out into something good and that would perhaps give you a happy feeling despite all of these shits. but no, because of probably some semi-aware sanity i had when it all transpired, i had let this could-be pass just like that. and it sucks big time.

maybe it wasn't just meant?
probably.

maybe the reason it did not exist is because it may have made things more complicated?
probably.

but still, what if?

i guess i just have to live with the fact that some things will never happen again, for its perfection was molded only at the time it was laid unto you, and you just simply ignored it. a missed opportunity will always be a missed opportunity. no more no less. so move forward.

i have to move forward.

***

now this is the part where i am gonna cry.

"Technically, we don't exist. We answer to no one. And when all else fails, we don't."
- General Hawk

If you're finding a good way to start the week or looking for a good movie to watch this weekend then I definitely recommend GI JOE: Rise of the Cobra. Men it's worth every peso you pay. I even recommend that if you have more funds than usual, then you should absolutely watch this on IMAX. Action Packed is the exact term to describe it. And if you've always been a fan of the Joes ever since, then go buy your tickets at the nearest the movie house as this is exactly for you! I may not have always been a fan of the GI Joe series, probably because I was too young then to appreciate it, but this one I surely appreciated and liked. Heck I can even say this was way better than the recent Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (no offense to Autobots Fans). Oh I can't wait for the part two (oops spoiler). I just hope it won't follow the usual trend wherein the 2nd movie onwards couldn't keep up with the expectations of the fans from the first movie.

And which by the way, after that nerve wracking movie experience, I am actually in the middle of contemplating of whether I should buy a GI Joe action Figure. Seriously.

Anyway, without much further ado, let me send you off and wish you an enjoyable movie treat. JOES, MOVE OUT!

frustrations. it all goes down to expectations.

there really are times when you simply just want the world to stop right at some certain moments, to avoid complexities or anything that has to do with worrying. come to think of it i should really not be concerned about anything because i've had enough of them in my entire years of schooling, and i am simply whiling the time away since i am nothing but a bum. i guess all these idle times are the mere reason why i get to think a lot and realize how f*cked messed up a lot of things are. i think i should really go back into being busy with something else before i completely lose my grip of the slightest sanity left in me. seriously.

i hate being disappointed. well who doesn't, ne? but the kind of disappointment that fails me big time is the one that comes with promises and giving of commitments and words of people. bursting my bubble is one of my least favorite things in the world. a friend told me that sometimes the problem with people being too affected and frustrated is the presence of too much expectations. well okay, i might accept the blame on that part, but my expectations do not come out of the blue. it has definite basis, and promises are common causes. and i think it is quite normal for people to become upset if you are told to look forward to certain things, and end up not having them. and curse the person who coined the cliché that promises are made to be broken. really i could kill him! given the fact that he's not yet dead as of this moment, which i doubt...okay i am not making sense

sometimes too, you know, you cannot help but make things/people/events yield to what ever you think is acceptable. you try your best to be a change agent. most of the time you do this to satisfy your ego, your inner self because it makes you breathe comfortably knowing that these things/people/events are according to what you think is tolerable, up to your standards and is satisfactory not to the common norms but simply for whatever you believe in. but there are also some \ instances when you do these things, changing these T/P/E, because you believe that they are capable to be better, or to whatever you believe is better. although it sounds a bit self-centered, because you end up becoming somewhat manipulative and in no time frustrated (again) if things do not go according to what you are anticipating. but this is normal, i think, when there has been an agreement for the planned change. i believe this is righteous if there is mutuality: wanting to change someone/something and that someone/something agreeing to be modified one way or another.

when things don't come in order, like when the change agent gets the feeling of being tired from playing the role that he has, or if the other party refuses to do his part or exerts effort but is just not enough, or if when they both have excellent efforts but it just seems that the entirety of the world simply conspires to prevent them from succeeding, this is where it gets problematic.

these are just thoughts. and i just feel like writing them, probably yet another emo maturation attempt. but you know what, to hell if it is. to be careless for these things, THAT i've learned (or rather realized and accepted, because i've learned the art of it ages ago, i just refuse to adhere to it) from talking to this friend last night. because after all, i am at this point where i simply want the world to stop right at some certain point, where i can avoid complexities or anything that has to do about worrying. oh and i think i will have a crappy ending (as quite obvious) for this entry because if i am admitting that i do have unresolved self-issues regarding this, what more resolutions could i give in my writing?